Pessimism as a solution to all the problems in the world

So after failing for the nth time to elicit even a smallest of the response that a nervous system can evoke involuntarily in the heart, I have decided to embrace pessimism. Having done that, I see how funny the world we live in, which is always prejudiced against the pessimist. Alas! There is no hope for the people of the world.

The idea looks simple and straightforward. If I know, I can never win her heart, and I choose not to fight, because I know the fight will result in a loss and probably in pain, why do I even keep the candle of hope burning. I should simply put off the light, accept defeat, drink some beer, and live life like as I should have done in the first place.

See, isn’t that how the world should be thinking. If some person, says he wants all the power in the world. Let him have it. What will we do with it? The problem arises, only when we hope and aspire to be like them. But then again, there can be only one winner. So let him or her be. Anyway, we wouldn’t succeed. Embrace the life and live it.

Yes, I know, people would talk about how this attitude could push us into dark ages, but let me ask you all, is the world we live in any better? We live, we eat and we die. How has the life changed in four thousand years?  We have only discovered new ways to be sad, and new ways to be  envious.
We have prolonged our suffering in an attempt to alleviate it.

I think, it is high time to embrace pessimism, to  accept and live our life, as we are meant to – sad and serene.

The more i try to reach out to her, the more i try to talk to her, I realise the more I am alienating myself from her. I sound more stupid and more desperate with each of the attempts. There is intrinsically wrong about the whole relation. She doesn't love me. That should have been the end of the story, but here i am trying to forcefully alter the story. I should have known, stories cannot be altered, destinies cannot be changed. Don Quixote was better than me.

and today, i found her memories in the unlikeliest place ever - in the sambhar I made. Absolutely no connection. Probably the sambhar was too good, that my gustatory senses were ignited, and I was in Bliss, and a satisfied man thinks of only the most beautiful things in the world. I dont have an answer.
Or possibly some kind of wormhole exists for brains, that memories travel through time. Its just that their entrance was so unexpected, and it happened when I was making sambhar.
May be, the spices that I use, or may be the onions I cut that brings tears into my eyes, or the green chillies I use, I mean atleast one of them, might have this chemical, that triggers specific part of my brain, that is filled with her memories. Actually its lot easier than that, they just have to trigger any part of the brain and not just any specific.
Or may be the window was open, and brought it in a whiff of sweet breeze, and rain. The rain ofcourse you know, is very devilish in sprouting old memories.
Whatever it was, it was nice. I like to think of her now and then. Not always, anymore. And with the new year looming at large, her memories, brings a new hope, a new hope, that probably has to die as well :)

game theory

Here is to everybody working on game theory: Can you apply it to a simple man-woman conversation? Man has three options - yes, no, may be. The woman has three options, yes, no, may be. Can you find, the best strategy for the conversation (create ur own point system yes yes - 100, yes no, -100, no yes -50 and so on)  ofcourse there is a realistic catch to the problem, when a woman says yes, it can mean, yes, no, or may be. When she says no, it can mean, yes ,no or may be. When she says may be, it still can mean, yes , no or may be.   Go figure it out game theorists

When reality strikes you on your face

Its a major earthquake, and though I am very far away, the reality of death strikes on the face. Every near and dear, email, call, buzz, asking if I am alright. I tell them I am. And then the reality strikes me on my face, by the absence of email from her.
Did she worry about me? why doesnt she email? may be she really doesnt care if I am alive or dead? May be she does, she looked up my fb profile, and she saw my post saying i am safe. may be she called up my friend, and they told her. I will never know.
for the moment, the absence of email, is glaring and painful. It throws light on my ludicrous love. It tells, - dude, get real. hit the ground. Probably it just hit too hard :(

Write an epitaph and say the prayers

Epitaph
as she dreamed her dreams, I dreamed my dream
and without knowing how, my dreams became one with hers....

Prayers
Wherever you are, I wish you all the happiness

Moving on
I want to follow my dreams, some of them have been in standstill
1) I want to finish my novel
2) I want to start a venture, which will help people.
And i will happily dedicate it to your memories :)

when there are two people, one constantly talking to the other and the other constantly replying only in silence. Two things can happen. Either, the silent person can start talking or the talkative person becomes silent.

I hope you are happy that I have become silent. But my silence does not mean, I do no feel the things that i said i used to feel.

My feelings have the same zing about them. My hope is still alive.

My dreams are as vibrant as ever :)

I can live the rest of my life, just thinking about her

My attempt to meet her, varies from flying down to india and surprise on her birthday by driving her in a limousine to a beautiful beach, and asking her to marry me, to asking her to fly down(a surprise ticket in her mail) to venice and ferrying through in a gondola . I think of a thousand roses to be decorated in front of her house and sometimes i think about taking her in a hot air balloon to the top of the sky and the world.

The funny part is, i guess i know none of this matters. I probably know her answer, the one she has made it clear.

I guess, I can live the rest of my life, just thinking about her, and praying for her happiness - wherever she is.

Writing is not escapism

When I was younger, I used to write love letters, to a non existent girl, ananya. And yeah, sometimes, it would be reshma and sometimes rritu. If you ask me, if the girl was the projection of characteristics i liked in girls, i would say no. Those girls didnt exist, i didnt have an image of them, nor did i attribute any characteristics to them. For me, ananya was not important, what was important was the relation i had with her - a soul to soul connection if you say.

And inspite of this beautiful habits of writing letters, when any of my friend asked my advice on how to propose a girl, my advice never included writing a letter. I have asked guys to fly down on the girl's birthday to appear on the girl's door with a teddy, to take them for a beautiful evening walk along the beach and so on. And I always warned them against writing letters. Because, its not only that when the girl hears your proposal on a paper, you miss the facets of emotions popping in her eyes, it is also because, you lose the moment to be with her, when you are saying you want to be with her forever.

There is also a fear, the one developed during school days. The letter you write is a proof of your love. IF she says no, the letter remains forever, to haunt you for the rest of your life. Letters are proofs for and against the moment. I dont advice guys to write letters, because, it will help them move on, if and when she says no.

However, inspite of my own advice, I write letters. Why? the first ofcourse is, I dont want to move on and therefore i leave the proof of my love. Second, needs a lot of explanation.

Imagine, I like this girl, I walk down to her, go down on my knees and tell her - I love you.

three words, for the millions of different feelings I have in my heart? I can write three thousand novels, just to explain the first moment I looked at her.

How can I put into words, the time, she walked beside me, and her dupatta brushed my hand, and the world around me changed that very moment. Probably I would have turned to her said - wow thats nice. What a dampener :(

Writing is not an escapsism. Writing is trying to capture the moment in its fullest glory. Writing is like photography, in eight thousand nine hundred dimensions of human emotions. Probably painting comes closest to writing as a medium to freeze the moments, but then, there is only so much colors in the world.

ofcourse theres only that much words in the world :(

i want to write something today

Its been ages I wrote anything, so I want to write something today. I dont want to write about her, about my love for her or her nonchalant attitude. Therefore, I dont want to talk about love, beautiful things, or happiness, as in each of these words, I see her face pop out through them and look at me - ofcourse nonchalantly. Consequently I dont want to write on hate, ugly things or sadness, things that lack of her thoughts dont exist in this world for me. Ok Ok. I agree, she exists in my sadness, but thats not entirely true. But as I said, I dont want to write anything about her, so I dont want to write about my pain, my sadness, my loneliness, my longingness, my days, my nights, my dreams, my dreamlessness.

As I see, I cannot talk about relations, witty verbose, mobile phones, dance, music as she has sprayed her spirit in each one of them.

I cannot talk about walking, meeting, icecream, rasgolla, books, scooty, college, studies, work, as her thoughts are haunting each of them. Ofcourse, so I cant even talk about ghosts or souls or spirits.

But I need to write something today. I really need to. Atleast a single word. And if today, I do not find the word, I will write tomorrow or day after tomorrow. But I am sure, I can find a word that does not remind me of her.... i will write...i know :)